The Big Bad Body Language Myth

THE BIG, BAD BODY LANGUAGE MYTH AND THE REAL MESSAGE TO NOTICE
By Crystal Jonas
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ONE MOVE DOES NOT A MESSAGE MAKE (NECESSARILY)

In my early days of consulting, one of the most requested seminars I offered was about body language.

Although I stressed the importance of looking at the whole
person, people would still ask " What does it mean when
someone crosses her arms when she's talking to you?" Or,
"Doesn't it mean a person is dishonest if he doesn't
look at you when he's talking?"

How much easier life would be if we could look at the way
people hold their arms, or cross their legs, or use eye
contact, and instantly know what they are thinking!

The Big, Bad Body Language Myth is the idea that if you
know the secrets behind decoding body language, you can
look at a person and know exactly what she's thinking.

Our thoughts are far more complicated than to think we can
read another person solely by one movement.

BIG GENDER AND CULTURE DIFFERENCES

It has been said that crossing your arms suggests closed
mindedness. Keep an open mind about this, please.
I notice in the dozens of programs I present to business men
and women each year that women often cross their arms because
they're cold, or more comfortable like that, or merely
out of habit. Since I ask for evaluations after every
program, I can tell they weren't tuning me out, or worse,
bored!

Different cultures use eye contact differently.

So, if you've read that you must look someone in the eye
or be perceived as dishonest, you may misunderstand Asian
cultures who consider bold eye contact to be disrespectful,
especially if you are gazing into the eyes of your elder
or someone who outranks you.

If the big, bad myth is that one gesture is not enough to
read a person, what's the real message that will give
us insight into what another person is thinking?

CHECK OUT THE BIGGER PICTURE

Rather than look for one gesture to understand a person,
notice any sudden, more involved changes. For example,
if you approach someone who has his hands in his pockets
and is jiggling change, don't assume he's cheap.
(Yes, that has been a common assumption of this single gesture.)

He could simply be feeling for his car keys, wondering
if he has enough for the parking meter, or just jingling
out of nervous habit.

WE HAVE NON-VERBAL ACCENTS

Each of us has our own body language idiosyncrasies,
influenced by our upbringing, what part of the world
we were raised in, even our cultural customs or religious
beliefs.

So, our body language has unique patterns, a kind of
non-verbal accent, so to speak.

Is it possible to tell then, if we have lost the attention
or goodwill of someone with whom we're speaking if we
can't rely on a few movements here and there?

Well, yes. If you've been paying attention to that
person's nonverbal cues for several minutes. Again,
you'll want to notice any sudden, major change.
Uncrossing or crossing the arms or legs can do without
your concern. However, if people suddenly change their
body position, turn their head, avert their eyes, and
(the kiss of death for you) heave a heavy sigh, you'll
know that you've lost them.

BOTTOM LINE

Your take home messages: first, make sure you're sharing
the conversation as much as possible so others don't
suddenly zone out on you. Second, keep the body language
message in context and people will reveal much more to you
than your trying to force meaning on a single isolated action.

NOTE: You're free to reprint any or all of this article as long as you attach the following information to the excerpt:
Crystal Jonas, the Nation's "College to Career Success Coach" is the author of the top selling book "College Success Your Way," and the CD Set "The Power of Purpose." Crystal delivers over 100 programs across the U.S. a year and helps college students excel in college and prepare for career success. Find out more about her programs and products for "College to Career Success" at www.TapYourGenius.com.